Home / A Better You / Validation: The Most Powerful Relationship Skill You Were Never Taught Validation: The Most Powerful Relationship Skill You Were Never TaughtBrandon April 4, 2019 at 11:14 pm How do you validate what someone is saying when you dont agree with their opinion? Michael S. Sorensen April 4, 2019 at 11:52 pm Hi Brandon, Excellent question I address this in my latest article: https://michaelssorensen.com/2019/04/09/how-to-validate-someone-when-you-dont-agree-with-them/ Michael Scott April 5, 2019 at 5:35 pm Several years ago I had this discussion with a manager at work who noticed that I was abrasive without trying to be. I was so quick to answer questions that I never validated a persons perspective. He said you can literally agree with them by saying Great point! Thanks for taking the time to explain that. and the proceed to explain what you think that completely disagrees with their point. The power is in that you first acknowledged their perspective even if you disagreed. Now for the stinging part to myself. I have done this well at work now that I know it, but terribly at home. Time to re-remember that powerful lesson I learned long ago and employ it in the home! Michael S. Sorensen June 15, 2019 at 10:57 pm Hi Scott, thank you for sharing. I agreeits a powerful principle, and often quite simple to implement. Im also right there with you when it comes to slipping up at home. I literally wrote a book on the topic, yet still find myself jumping into advice or assurance when my wife just wants to vent. Its never a perfect science, but certainly becomes second-nature with time!
raul October 1, 2020 at 7:05 pm apparently, validation is not agreement.
Nathalie April 17, 2019 at 9:36 am Wow! Great article!!!
Reading is like a bulb lichting up!
I recognise the need of validation I have, but I am struggling myself to give.
I already made an effort to connect with people true compliments, but it sometimes had opposite effect people feeling presured and disconnected.
This article made me understand the point of validating someone feeling not only an act!
Also curious about the next article regarding validation of solething you disagree. Michael S. Sorensen June 15, 2019 at 10:58 pm Thanks, Nathalie! My apologies for the late replyI thought I had already responded. If you havent seen it already, the article re: validating someone when you dont agree is up: https://michaelssorensen.com/2019/04/09/how-to-validate-someone-when-you-dont-agree-with-them/
Connie June 13, 2019 at 9:18 am This is a great article and Ive just got your book for my Kindle. I have one question though, what if you dont receive the same validation in return? Like in your example at the beginning, your girlfriend wasnt great at validating but you are the one who has learnt about this skill and putting it into practice. What if she doesnt give you that same validation back? Michael S. Sorensen June 16, 2019 at 4:49 am Hi Connie, Love the question. Im actually nearing completion on an entire article addressing exactly that. If you havent already, I invite you to subscribe to be notified when its published. In short: its important that we share with the other person that validation is important to us, and invite them to learn more about it. Thats easier said than done, but my upcoming article explores several considerations and dives into a few non-threatening ways to strike up a conversation around it. Michael Deborah Del Debbio August 26, 2019 at 1:20 am Question about this the work situation with Kate: So what if it would not drive me crazy? I would tend to say something like, I hear that youre feeling frustrated with the changeability and unpredictability of her actions, and that you dont feel heard or like your needs are being met. Michael S. Sorensen August 27, 2019 at 10:08 pm Hi Deborah, You could approach that situation in a few ways. In all of them, I recommend at least attempting to match the other persons energy and respecting that they are feeling upset, even if you dont think its something they should be upset by. First, you could say something like, Ughthats frustrating or thats hard (with as much empathy as you can muster). These responses dont necessarily mean you would find the situation frustrating, but could simply mean that you acknowledge that *shes* frustrated by it. This response could be thought of as essentially saying, I see that thats frustrating [to you], without sounding patronizing and disconnected. Alternatively, if youre having a hard time feeling empathy or sympathy for her, you might try asking more questions to better understand the situation. For example: What about it is frustrating to you? Done tactfully, these curious questions show interest and concern, while helping you better understand the situation and hopefully develop greater empathy. Thoughts?
Michael S. Sorensen June 26, 2019 at 1:59 am Hi Connie, That article is now live: https://michaelssorensen.com/2019/06/19/what-to-do-if-your-partner-isnt-great-at-listening-or-validating/
Natalie September 27, 2019 at 8:37 am Light bulb! I immediately go into fix it mode when someone express sadness, frustration or alike emotions.I would be offended and/or confused when they snapped at me or shut me down and their issue would swing to being angry at metheir emotions would heighten and I would take offence. My thoughts were geez just trying to help Validation and acknowledgment of feelings were words that swooped through my head in a recent interaction of me trying to explain my response and behavioursort of a you dont appreciate my advice type of intonationhence googled key words and found your article long story short (too late)thank you! Michael S. Sorensen September 27, 2019 at 1:07 pm Hi Natalie, How cool that those words popped into your head, and even cooler that you pursued them and came across my site. Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment! Michael
Thomas Fleury November 23, 2019 at 4:04 pm How do you validate someones anxieties without also enabling them to continue in those anxieties because theyre harmful to them? Michael S. Sorensen November 24, 2019 at 2:45 pm Hi Thomas, Perhaps this article will offer some insight:
https://michaelssorensen.com/2019/10/24/what-do-i-do-if-my-partner-is-constantly-complaining/ The two situations are different (complaining vs. anxiety), but the approach may nevertheless be useful in setting boundaries and helping the other individual recognize that they need to take action to get out of their current state of mind. Let me know your thoughts. Michael
knox February 9, 2020 at 1:18 pm Thank you. I have learned quite a lot from my relationships about invalidation and dis-validation, but only recently decided to read about validation. Just ordered your book too. Michael S. Sorensen February 9, 2020 at 2:04 pm Hi Knox, You are most welcome. Thank you for taking the time commentIll be eager to hear what you think of the book. Michael
Marilyn Sood July 15, 2020 at 8:44 am Wow . . . I really appreciated this article!
It actually helped to validate the feelings I had when trying to connect with my 16 y.o. daughter and she was not leaning toward my bids. Perhaps I was trying too hard for that connection. I will ease off and try not to force it.
I also now realize I can validate my husbands concerns and view points despite not agreeing with them.
Thank you!
Marilyn Michael S. Sorensen July 15, 2020 at 10:18 am Hi Marilyn, Love hearing that. Thank you for taking the time to comment! Michael
Shawna August 31, 2020 at 5:46 pm Thank you so much for writing this book and sharing in this blog. I am a single mom of 2 daughters (17 and 15) our house over the past year has been so tense. The girls often fighting, stonewalling each other, bullying, lots of tears shed to the point I called a 2 week cease-fire with them not to speak to each other so we can all regroup. I completely realize some of this is normal for the ages they are at right now but some of it is just too hurtful for our family. Over that 2 week time I did some soul searching and analyzing as to what I see as the issues and skills I can maybe help teach them to better communication with each other and in life. 1) they have lost trust and respect for each other and therefore dont show much empathy to each other, 2) they dont take responsibility for their words or emotions, try to blame each other, 3) no active listening or validation. We have begun doing 2x week family meetings (initially under much protest and defensiveness). We read 1 chapter a week along with various articles I found (your blog and others). We have homework/exercises we do to practice these communication concepts (like learning to use I statements and using them, practicing identifying opportunities to show empathy and validation, etc). We are a couple weeks into this family time and I can already see and feel that our household is getting lighter. Down the way a bit we will tackle the big hurts they have done to each other but I wanted you to know what a big impact this book has had on our lives so far! Michael S. Sorensen August 31, 2020 at 10:08 pm Wow, Shawna, thank you for taking the time to share this! Your comment made my day. Kudos to you for the work youre doingespecially as a single parent, raising two teenage girls is no small feat!
AbigailD November 26, 2020 at 11:15 pm A light bulb just turned on for me and I was to say thank you, thank you, thank you ! Ive been having a hard time understanding how I wasnt validating feelings with my partner. This article brought it home for me. Now I hope I can turn things around. Michael S. Sorensen December 31, 2020 at 1:30 pm Thanks, Abby. I have confidence you can!
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