What are some common developmental reactions in other children to becoming a sibling?

Bringing a new baby into the family can be both an exciting and a challenging time for a big brother or sister. How you choose to tell children about new siblings and prepare them for changes in family life will vary depending on the age difference, but there are some rules of thumb experts recommend to create the best possible environment for your expanding family.

You may be thrilled to have a second child on the way but the upsides of a bawling new baby who is going to grow up and try to steal your older child’s toys may not be so clear to them. Babies aren’t easy. And jealous older siblings who act out will only make the transition harder. Preparing older children in advance and helping them feel included in the process can go a long way to a smooth and happy family life.

When and how to tell your child

The more time your child has to get used to the idea of a new baby, the better. When mom is pregnant, experts agree it’s best to tell your child as soon as the baby begins to show. However, if a pregnant woman is experiencing morning sickness or has a very young child who can’t be jumping on her the way he is used to, parents might want to consider telling their older child even sooner. “It’s always best to be honest to avoid making kids anxious about what’s happening,” says Mandi Silverman, PsyD, a clinical psychologist. “So don’t wait too long to tell your child.”

If the family is adopting or using surrogacy, the coming baby may not be visibly obvious, Dr. Silverman adds, “but definitely still start the conversation early.”

Dr. Silverman stresses that parents need to give children as much time as possible to ask all the questions they need to but also to get in some extra special alone time with each parent. “The key thing here is that parents need to indicate that this is a positive thing for a family,” she says. “It’s a change, and change — whether it’s good or bad — is something that takes time to get used to.”

The language you use to explain these changes to your child should be developmentally and age appropriate. Emphasize change for the good and all the great things a new baby will bring to the family. “There’s one more person to love,” suggests Dr. Silverman. “There’s somebody new to spend time with. Watching the baby do new things, and teaching him things, will be fun. Holidays will be even more special when there’s a new baby.”

Don’t oversell the new baby

While you want to emphasize all the great things about having a new little brother or sister, older children also need to know things that will be difficult. Be as specific as is appropriate for your child. You may tell them that babies are a lot of work. “They can’t do things on their own. You know, they can’t feed themselves. They need somebody to change their diapers. They may be up at night. They cry. It can be loud. It can be annoying,” says Dr. Silverman. But reassure your older child that you will do whatever you can to keep the baby quiet and happy and on a regular sleep schedule as soon as possible. And also that you are going to make time to spend with them.

One thing you can do with a child of any age to help them feel reassured and secure is to establish a ritual (even if it’s just a few minutes of playtime or reading) that each parent can do with them before the arrival of the new baby and that continues after the new sibling comes.

“Something like a constant,” says Kristin Carothers, PhD, a clinical psychologist, “where the kid knows, yes, this is something that I had before my sibling and I get to have it after my sibling. Mom and dad have protected this time for me.

Involve older children in the process

Getting your older children involved in the preparations for the new baby will help them to feel more a part of the change and growth in the family. Some families involve older children in decorating the new baby’s nursery or choosing toys for their new sibling. “Some families invite their other children into the process of picking a name,” Dr. Silverman adds. She knows one family in which the big brother wanted his baby sister to be named after a character in his favorite Disney movie. Fortunately, his parents liked the name, and they went with it.

Regression and other common behaviors

Even the best-prepared kids may suddenly start acting younger, and seeking the kind of attention their new sibling gets. For example, your toilet-trained child might start having accidents or want to go back to wearing diapers or they might want to take a bottle. “It is totally normal for children to engage in regressive behaviors when a new baby arrives,” Dr. Carothers says. “It’s children’s way of making sure their parents are aware that they still need them and it helps them to get the attention they crave.

Older, school-aged children have a strong sense of fairness and equality so they might not understand why one child is being treated differently than another, even though a baby has different needs, and this can cause them to act out.

To help them feel valued, it can be good to give older children developmentally appropriate jobs that make them feel special. It’s also good to praise the positive mature behaviors the child exhibits.

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